How to Survive House of Wax
by Currently Defunct
Summary: The town seem a little deserted? The sole inhabitant a little obsessed with knives? A guy who really needs a haircut following you? It sounds like you need some help. How to survive "House of Wax," beginning to end. Suggestions welcome.


**The town seem a little deserted? The sole inhabitant a little obsessed with knives? A guy who really needs a haircut following you? It sounds like you need some help. How to survive "House of Wax," beginning to end.**

1. If you're under thirty, stay at home and join a church or something.

2. Shortcuts are evil. End of story.

3. Stay celibate. It pays off in the long run.

4. If at all possible, make any trips you have only one day's commute from home. If you absolutely must stop for the night, only stay in hotels that are part of giant chains.

5. Playing football at night by the side of a deserted road is asking for trouble.

6. Don't even bother with roads that aren't brightly lit, feature lots of travelers, and are not plastered with brand-new billboards.

7. Make sure, if you absolutely must take a trip with your friends, that you trust them explicitly and that there's nothing, forgiven or not, between you. The last thing you need, when trapped in a house with a slasher, is for them to bring up the fact that you stole their pencils in the fifth grade.

8. When a person, whether on foot or in a ca, comes up to you deliberately, stares at you visibly, and then leaves without a word, that's probably a hint that you're not welcome.

9. If you're older than twelve and younger than thirty, do not sleep in a tent. If you are of that age, female, reasonably attractive, and scantily clad, do not sleep; instead, take espresso shots.

10. If you smell something rotting, run like hell. Do not attempt to find it.

11. Do not go off in the woods with only your attractive female friend. This goes double if you are also an attractive female.

12. Finding large mannequins is the woods is littering. You should report it to an environmental group immediately- the treehugger stereotypes will die before you will. 

13. It's a bad sign when the local rednecks deliberately do things to creep you out, prove it was nothing, and then laugh at you. They're only forcing you to let your guard down.

14. Do not remove any part of your clothing- it's a little known fact that killers can smell people (especially girls) undressing, so keep your bra covered. Your shoes are not exempted from this rule, as you will inevitably end up running though broken glass should you go barefoot. Preferably, you should wear multiple layers, at least one featuring padding.

15. Invest in a hat with a string of high-powered lights going around your head. Carry enough extra batteries to survive a nuclear holocaust.

16. If it makes you frightened, run. The stubborn ones always die.

17. If the weird hillbilly guy starts whipping out knives that could kill a werewolf and talking about them in glowing terms, do not treat him like the freak he obviously is. Instead, humor him and tell him that yes, they are magnificent knives.

18. In fact, always be nice to the hillbilly, especially if they do you a favor. Those knives come in handy.

19. The town's deserted. There's a good reason for that.

20. Treat that cell phone like your god.

21. Do not stop a search for something you need to follow a whim. If you need a fanbelt, do not go into the House of Wax- get the damn fanbelt.

22. If it says "closed," here's a hint. It's closed.

23. If you should stumble into a place filled with oddly lifelike wax sculptures, there's only two possibilities: either the sculptures are real, or there's a fantastic artist around here somewhere. Most artists are insane. Leave immediately.

24. It's called "the buddy system."

25. If a woman goes crazy and then her husband commits suicide, leaving behind two children, something is wrong with this town- all of the town- and believe me, you want none of it.

26. Going off by yourself in the poorly-lit house of a man you don't know very well makes you officially retarded. Also, don't touch his things, especially if he has a fetal pig or something on his desk. Normal people don't have fetal animals.

27. Understand that the people who tell you the stories are quite possibly the same people in them. Likewise, if a man tells you a story about two parents gruesomely dying and their two children being put in foster care, then has his whole house decorated in a manner that corresponds to that of the children, _he's probably one of them_.

28. Carry enough artillery and other weapons on you to take over a third-world country, and guard it zealously.

29. If the phone rings, pick it up.

30. Should your survival depend on playing dumb, you should- play dumb.

31. Never wreck your car. Never ever ever.

32. If you engage in criminal activity, the odds are against your survival. If you engage in criminal activity but are attractive, you have a chance.

33. If you are in a place where screaming could save your life, then scream. If you are in a secluded area hiding from a serial killer, _don't_ scream. It's important these two scenarios not be mixed up.

34. Finding out the priest is a crazy guy who holds funeral services filled with nothing but wax dummies, that's an indication to maybe just walk away.

35. Don't gibber or whimper. The last victim probably did that too.

36. A shot to the groin proves more useful than one might initially think.

37. If you've been trapped somehow, don't just give up- you have more weapons available to you than you think, and you're stronger than usual when you're afraid. If someone is holding you, don't flail your arms uselessly and weep- aim to injure them as badly as possible. If you can't get away, make sure they have something to remember you by.

38. Been tied down? Brains are just as important as brawn. Don't thrash when you could simply work the knots loose.

39. Just because your attacker has no weapons, that doesn't mean they'll back down with just a right hook. They didn't kill their whole town by being stupid or weak. Fighting should be reserved for when one of you is trapped.

40. It takes next to nothing to kill your stupid or unattractive friends, but it takes a ridiculous amount of stabbing, shooting, etcetera, to kill the hero or villain.

41. Sex in a tent is a really, really bad idea. Sex in a car is just as bad. In fact, the only time sex is in any way acceptable is before the trouble starts and it will develop your character.

42. You get countless opportunities to prove who you are. Make use of them.

43. Laying down presents you as a large target.

44. Watch where you're going, for god's sake, and don't trip.

45. They're not dead. Shooting someone in the shoulder with an arrow will _not_ kill them. Even if they appear dead, it's always a good idea to decapitate them, or at least kick them in the groin.

46. Guns win out over baseball bats.

47. Don't leave any indication that you've been in the room where the killer is now. So if you drop a picture or something, _pick it up_.

48. Don't go down a trapdoor. What are you, stupid?

49. Never back away from anything, ever.

50. When hiding from a killer, it tends to be a bad idea by senselessly pounding on the fuse box. You know it controls the house. You know they know the fuse box is in the basement. You do the math.

51. The person covered in wax and needles is probably dead. Leave them be.

52. Never just hit someone once. Beat their ass. Don't stop until you can actually physically remove their brain from their skull.

53. Make use of your second chances.

54. It doesn't seem like a good idea to start a fire in a house of wax.

55. Prior to any trip, look into any martial arts that would allow you to break a man's wrist if you were, oh, let's say grappling over a knife?

56. Wax _can_ explode, contrary to common misconceptions.

57. Don't slowly try to gouge away a hunk of wax when you can simply push it over.

58. Maps are good. Maps are your friend.

59. Don't trust that hillbilly. If they had any sense of decency they would have moved away and gotten themselves some indoor plumbing by now.

60. Don't act like an ass.


End file.
